One set of prints

I met another widow today. It was most bizarre.

Remember the 2 sets of prints from Monday 13th? Well, today there was only one so I decided to 'walk along". I figured it was a woman and a dog, the print was close to mine. She meandered through campsites and down the path towards cooper mnt before doubling back.

I have been walking around twice but because of the snow and ice, I wasn't sure I wanted to today so to walk along with this person gave me more exercise win-win right. The night previous we had a big windstorm so all the fresh snow from the previous day was covered in needles, cedar and twigs of all sizes.

She walked up the site our family camped up about 10 years ago. I stood looking at the spot you sat playing guitar all those years ago. I could see the fire roaring and Keilah watching, she was always close by back then. Our tent, the smaller tent, it took me way back. As usual, I can't remember the vehicle we had then..

The footsteps doubled back and I carried on following them. I was imagining what she may have been doing as her steps stopped, twirled and backtracked a lot. She wandered in and out of a few more sites and eventually we were nearing the end of the park. I was going to head down the path towards the tunnel for more exercise and what a surprise to see she had gone down the path too. But I was seeing 2 sets of prints... Two heading in and one coming out. I was contemplating this when I neared a bend and saw a medium size brown dog. And close behind was a person all bundled up with rubber boots on.  My size rubber boots... 

I asked if the dog was friendly, she waved her arm and absently said she was fine with other dogs. She clearly had something on her mind. She lost her keys she said. Then me in my uptight anxious state said I would backtrack and look for them but I'd go on ahead cause I probably walked faster. How rude! But it was short-lived, I caught my mistake and asked her about the keys. It was then I realized why there were 2 sets of tracks coming in..she had finished the walk and been to her car but realized she lost them so walked backwards through her steps. The snow is deeper than in the image above. That is an older picture. I drop my keys in the snow and they sink 4-5 inches. And with all the duff from recent winds, this is going to be a challenge. But her key chain is a big 2-3 inch piece of brown leather. Keyword brown, the debris covering the snow is all the shades of brown you can imagine. This is going to be near impossible. 

As we walk back to main the trail I feel I have to explain why I have been tracking this poor woman... 👀

Without looking at her directly and tears starting to well in my eyes, I tell her my husband passed a year ago and we used to walk this path together... before I had even finished she says me too. My husband passed last year! I was in shock... as we carried on, I learned her husband was 80 when he passed. He had been sick for some months before passing so it was a strange relief for her to let him go. They just moved to river rd 10 years ago and she has a daughter who lives here. When we came upon the campsite our family had camped at I said we had been together 33 years... this is the first time she really looks at me with an incredulous look. Us too she says...33 years together. 

We carry on, she gets confused when backing out of sites. She wants to walk back the way we have come. I try not to make a deal over it and say oh we have to carry on this way. I'm trying not to talk too much either. I leave long silences, trying to stay focused on looking for her keys. I am really doubtful we will find them so I offer her a ride and find out she lives on river rd. We get back to the parking area and I'm thinking to myself how calm she is that she has lost her keys. She is looking at her car trying to get herself together and by chance tries her door. It opens! I'm thinking her keys are going to be in it but she looks and closes the door getting ready to have a stranger drive her home while leaving her car. She had a little dog she left under her car to look for keys and I walk behind her car to get a better look at the little guy and what do I see... yes, her keys! She was so happy, she hugged me and hugged me again. All smiles and so happy. I was so happy for her. We said our goodbyes. I tried to tell her my name but she was so overjoyed it went unheard. I hope to run into her again one day. Maybe we could walk in silence.

I caught my daughter in a lie and called her on it. She keeps her data off at times and I know this so sent a picture of various stuff left here in dec and carrot cake muffins and fresh bread, gifts, Xmas candy, canned goods, her sheet pan etc}. We have gone for lunch since Xmas but we don't see a lot of each other. We didn't before Mikes passing so it's not new. 

Anyway, along with the MMS text, I sent a plain text msg that said "Can you drop in to pick up?" on the 7th Jan. Yesterday she msged 3x in a row "me?" "Today" "Cinnamin buns?"

Now I was going to let it slide. I usually do. I actually started to.. I wrote "they are carrot and delicious but you are too late. There are preserves I meant to give, and kids have chocolate and candy canes. Your sheet pan etc. There is fresh bread still". (I had made more)

And she wrote: "haha turned on data"...."thanks anyway"...."ok maybe I'll swing by before or after groceries. Just on a walk".

She was so flippant in that latest slew of texts I said: "I sent msg separate from image, it'll have to be another time".  As I had an hour to go to work.

Anyway, before Mikes passing I would have done everything in my power to just have her come to get the stuff or dropped it off myself and keep the peace. Actually, I would have driven and got Mike to take it to the door. But I have tried and tried with her and (through the years and now feel like she could give a little now that I'm alone) I just hope her daughter doesn't do the same with her when she's in a time of ...great need. 

I'm not trying to have her or anyone feel sorry for me... At least I hope not! I'm sure that's not it. Grief is lonely but I think it's uncomplicated loneliness whereby without having ppl around i don't have to deal with emotions, drama, ppl,   It makes me so unsure of intensions when ppl are around. I feel paranoid at times. I try to please people too much.

Reminders of Grief are Everywhere

 Everywhere in grief, is the reminders that I am alone. 

 It's not a feel sorry for myself post. It is just true. 

The mind automatically goes to those places that are no more. 

 Only now, after uploading the images do I notice the dogs... I am not totally alone.

I'm that crazy dog lady, everyone knows one.

 We used to be the crazy dog people. And that was a good thing

I didn't want to move here

 These pictures were taken Jan 5th 2020

Coopers Mnt.

 I didnt try to look at what this could have been. I imagined a pet possibly? 

At any rate, I took this picture and left it alone. There was a christmas tree and stand right beside it. Wasnt to happy to see people dumping.

I didn't want to move to PA. I only moved to be closer to Mike who pretty well lived here working in camp. I was never good at meeting new people. And moving here only made that worse. So I drank more than I should have when meeting wives of the guys Mike worked with. I think I didn't care because I was away from people who knew me so it was ok, no one was around to see... 

Reading FB this morning

Megan Devine
https://www.facebook.com/refugeingrief/videos/471941086852860/

What you have been trying to say finally hit me like a brick with this post.

I'm OK.

Being so fkd up, lost and unsure about anything is normal. Fear of all this has paralyzed me.

New Years Day

New Year is as good as any other day to start a journal. A journal of self-discovery AM.  I've never written much at all my entire life. A couple 3-month diaries at most. Mike always told me to write a book. I had many experiences throughout my life that could be considered book-worthy.
I hope to keep this blog going, to learn about myself. My thoughts and feelings have been coming on strong, stronger than the previous year.

I am lousy at expressing myself but all thoughts and feelings are there, upstairs seemingly making sense to me when I need them. And that's what I want to share, I have to find a way for them to escape and be.

I started my walk on the greenmax thinking I wouldn't make the whole way to the bench. I had to work after all. And it was supposed to rain. But it looks like I've hit an opening in the clouds. The mist coming from the river is beautiful.

Tia begins to go nuts on the trail down to the river. She absolutely loves certain walks. I think she remembers this one, in particular, the way she darts up and down. jumping up and over logs, running the length of them. She is super happy. 

This keeps me going...I think she knows it.

We got to the bottom of the switchbacks and right away I see the spot where I took snapshots of Mike and the dogs in March 2018.

 And 5 months later you die?? How could I not know???

The Stamp is swollen and raging

And we begin the meandering trail along the Stamp. There are small creeks where normally it's quite dry. I thought of turning back on one "creek" imparticular. It was a chore getting across safely.

What do you think Mike? Punky enough to fall within 5 years?

Debbie's Creek falls were glorious! I had never seen them so strong. 

A few more steps and we see the bench my three son-in-laws built
and placed on the greenmax <3

I didn't stay long, I made a note to self; Carry pack every time and throw a towel in it

I backtracked out, to the trail at the stump because of time restrictions

When I came out onto the main trail, I was oh so thankful I didn't go the full route. It was flooded, I was in my keens and didn't want wet feet.

Made it to the log without getting my feet wet. Yay! I was just hoping the log was still intact at the end. Last time I went in Aug it was getting bad. It's going to cave under someone someday soon.